Though I say it myself, I am, I believe, a perfect sneezer. Just the right amount of moisture and dryness, some volume though not too much, a concentrated, tight, focused sneeze. You will know what I mean by a bad sneezer. The sneezer who deploys the vocal chords and transforms the sneeze into a bark; the sneezer who splays the wetness through an obtuse angle of projection; even (is this a bad thing? more an aesthetic drawback) the sneeze so introspective it is a stiffled tic. In these times we worry about the sneezes of others.

In infants school, I remember, we were taught how to blow our noses, just as we were taught how to tie our shoelaces. Infants who were unable to blow their noses correctly were brought up to the front and made to blow them in public in front of the class. How we laughed at the boy who produced a nose like a foghorn from out of his vocal box! The younger generation seem to blow their noses less than we did. They just sniffle a bit. You don’t hear that many proper blows projected out into the world these days. Mmmmm. Nose hygiene courses. In these worrying times not a bad idea.

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