Some time ago I received an email from an old friend thanking me for some minor thing I had once done. It was a spare email of just one sentence. I was pleased he was getting in touch with me and emailed him back, asking about his news and giving some of mine. He did not reply. I have thought about this. I think it is the equivalent of what alcoholics do when they apologise to everyone as part of their treatment. This must be what you do when you know you are dying; you thank everyone you knew for what they contributed to your life. It may be that there is also a list of people you have to apologise to. A ledger, then: positive and negative. This kind of act would have you dying at ease with your past. I am making all this up but I think it is quite possible. If so, when you draw up your ledger, who would you include and what acts would you judge generous and what pernicious? It could well have been that the little act that I accomplished came across to him as an act of generosity but was, if he had known, in fact motivated by egotism or part of some more complex plot on my part.
Another old friend, meeting up with me after a long period, said: how will I know if you die? I’m not sure about the answer to this one. I suppose, thinking about it now, I could make sure I give someone close to me access to my email account and they could send out a group email. I am not on social media, so that would have to do. I might even write the message myself.
peoplearerubbish 