August 29: true feelings

Sometimes, when I am in a conversation with someone and I temporarily leave the space to, say, go to the bathroom, I find myself, when I am out of vision of my interlocutor, pulling a face towards a non-existent camera. This is to illustrate the disjunction between my direct reaction to the interlocutor and what I might be thinking at the tme. Do not be concerned, if you are my interlocutor. I am only doing this because I have seen it on the telly. In reality, I am rarely fuming at how the conversation is going, and, if I am, I will probably mention it. What I am doing is just trying to artificially dramatise my inner life.

Moreover, even if I was repressing anger at something when talking to someone, this would probably better represent my true feelings, compromised and controlled and fitted within a temporal context, than a brute, spontaneous reaction taking the form a disbelieving gurning at an imaginary camera, because what you might call true feelings are best got at through an aggregated sampling of moods over a period of time. This model conforms less to the modes of drama and its generic embodiment through film and television and more to the modes of the late 19th century analytical novel.


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