What has always put me off the idea of internet dating is the requirement that you define yourself as part of your sales pitch and I realise that my way of defining myself is through negative definition. This weekend in my block there is a courtyard party. I shall certainly steer clear of that. It is also the Notting Hill Carnival. I shall be giving that a wide bearth. I can’t easily tell you what I like, but I can tell you what I don’t like. I don’t like vegetables that begin with the letter A (aubergines, asparagas, artichoke); taxis (they are for weddings and funerals): bottled water; profligacy with paper handkerchiefs and dry cleaning (who believes you can clean things dry? My hands, for example? That was what I told my mum as a six year old. she didn’t believe it either). Was it the Mad Hatter who celebrated his unbirthday, thereby increasing the number of days of celebration in the year? This negative capability, looking at the negative space that would-be artists are told to focus on, can give unexpected results. When you focus on the negative, the positive appears in the unshaded zone. In my virtual internet dating blurb I shall sell myself this way. Hater of ‘A’ vegetables; un-hailer of taxis; dry cleaning agnostic; flees all street parties and performers; indifferent to dogs; psoh (poor sense of humour). My virtual date will be walking home in an unironed dress with a hankie up her sleeve for re-use, following a meal of carrot cabbage and cauliflower (C vegetables oblige) and tap water after an evening spent fleeing fun. Who says I don’t know how to show them a good time???

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