I had a QR code on my phone offering two free drinks and two free cakes on the 5th floor of John Lewis on Oxford street but the deadline to claim it was next week. It said Invite a Friend very perkily, but I couldn’t think of a friend who’d want to trek across to soulless Oxford street on a Saturday morning for a cup of tea and a lemon drizzle cake. But I knew I’d feel bad about letting the January 31 deadline pass. I decided to go there on my own this morning and try and find a shopping trip to do at the same time. My anxieties were legion. First, I don’t trust a QR code. I don’t really know what they are. What if I was ridiculed at the counter and it was invalid? Would I then have to go through with buying an unwanted beverage and comestible? And how would I get two drinks and two pastries? How would I phrase it? I’m on my own today. Just the one coffee. Maybe two of those lemon drizzles. I’ll take one home for tea. This was basically what I said. Over-articulating, as usual. The woman at the till couldn’t care less whether I had a friend waiting at the table to share the treat with me. She said, Just the one drink? I managed to say yes, instead of my friend can’t swallow warm liquid at the moment, so yes. After all, what was I doing without a friend. In fact, I ordered two cinnamon buns and wrapped one up in serviettes to take home like a rather sad loner. When I had drunk my coffee, eaten one cinnamon bun, wrapped the other in serviettes and stowed it in my bag for later, I made to leave. I organised my tray and crockery in a neat and fastidious way on the table top, as if I was being filmed and to somehow assuage guilt. Then left. Operation accomplished. The good thing was that I popped into a shop over the way and got a nice cheap shirt in the Sales. So, you see, it was a perfectly justified trip out.

http://www.peoplearerubbish.com

I went to the cafe in the park yesterday afternoon for a coffee. In the queue I got talking to a man, who was probably middle-eastern. He said, is that tweed? about my jacket. I said, I don’t think so but it’s wool. We got to talking about synthetic fibers and natural fibers. He said, would it be right for me to buy you a coffee? It was as if he was asking about the correct protocol. I said, no, that’s premature. It would be like buying a dress for a girl on the first date? He looked at me puzzled, but then smiled. I went to my table and waited for my coffee to come. He went to another table where someone I thought was his mum was sitting waiting. I realized I had made that error I always make: taking on a jokey manner immediately before I even know the person. I jump too quickly into the ironic mode and when you are talking to strangers, it’s thoughtless.

This was a reference from experience. Once when I had just started going out with someone and we were looking in shop windows, we saw a dress. I said, try it on. She did. I had to make a quick calculation about buying the dress for her or not. I decided not to. It could well have been a foolhardy purchase. Who could tell how long the relationship would last. As it turned out, it didn’t. My callous calculation was right.

http://www.peoplearerubbish.com

When you are telling a story to a child of three, the key is to include them in the story. You do not say Humpty Dumpty went down to to the park one day. You say Remember that day when you and me went down to the park with Humpty Dumpty. At first she looks confused. She does not remember that day. But you goad her. You blackmail her with the promise of a great adventure and she says yes. Then you say It was really icy, wasn’t it? And she says yes. She is getting into the spirit of things now. And you say. You told him not to sit on that wall, didn’t you? And she says yes. Because it was icy, you say (reference to the weather of the moment; this is Christmas). and what happened?, you say. Now she has been trained she is ready to spread her wings. He fell off! she yelps. That’s right. You shake your head. He cracked. We called the ambulance. They couldn’t do anything. We called the doctors and nurses. They couldn’t do anything. We called all the king’s horses and all the king’s men. Here she repeats the mantra. They couldn’t do anything. It was just all yellow and white on the grass. Do you remember? She remembers now all right. She has been trained in complicity and deceit. It’s a skill she’ll need. You even pop in a little joke for mummy. You say, We were all upset, weren’t we? because Humpty Dumpty was our friend, wasn’t he? And mummy was going to make a nice omlette for us all for dinner and now she couldn’t. Mummy will have to make us roast pork instead, won’t she? Yes, says the three year old, as mummy slips the joint in the oven.

http://www.peoplearerubbish.com